Thursday, April 3, 2014

Looking forward

Hopefully, I will be able to get back into college this summer, if not, then perhaps by this autumn. I'm a bit excited but I'm tempering my feelings because as always things could change.

It's rainy and cold outside today, though it is springtime. On the first day of spring, it had snowed...either that day or sometime that week, I don't remember. I like the warm weather and the seasons changing. I suppose that the only season I don't really like is winter, but that's mainly because it gets bitter cold and that's pretty miserable.... Which, I just remembered that I meant to ask if there was a rake available since there are still fall leaves out on the ground and the yard would look better if it got cleaned up. But, now that it's raining, I'll have to wait until the ground dries out...raking soaking wet leaves is not a good idea, nor is it fun.

Also, I've been pretty exhausted these past three days. That is mostly because I'm running myself harder than I should, so I do need to take a break and relax. I spent the majority of the morning sleeping/relaxing. I hope that as time passes, I will be able to build up my stamina and energy so that I can work myself hard and not suffer exhaustion from it. Who knows, though.

Anywho, readers, y'all have a good day...I'm going to finish some laundry.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Two-Year Anniversary

Well, today is the two-year anniversary of my car accident, yay (not).

We cleaned out my apartment for the most part, but the stove still needs a bit of work. After doing that bit, I went and visited a few friends. There wasn't much done today.

Today started out chilly, but it was sunny, then around 6pm it started to snow. It's pretty wet snow, really slushy. Hopefully the weather warms up soon.... I can't wait to go swimming.

Friday, March 28, 2014

3/28/2014

Tomorrow is the two-year anniversary of my car accident.

Today, I have a few things that need to get done. I have an appointment in an hour which I am bringing a couple of people with me so that they can help me understand what I'm supposed to sign and everything that is going on.

It seems like my son is ready to potty train. He must not like being in a dirty diaper anymore because every time he is wet or dirty, he finds a diaper, hands it to me and says "Diaper, Mommy, poopy!" I've had him sit on a little potty chair I bought the other day and he has so far voided in it twice--albeit on accident, as opposed to on purpose, which is perfectly fine. Since I made a big deal about those two times, he is excited to be using the potty. He wants to use the potty and tries, he's just not sure when he should be using it.

The other thing that he has really started to do a lot is make his own little stage or use the foundation of the fireplace in the home we're staying in. He'll stand up on his little stage, singing his own little made up songs. He will make his own songs or sing along with any music that is playing while standing on his stage.

Otherwise, I'm feeling a little bit better than I was over the past three or four days. I still don't feel like fighting an uphill battle anymore. Like, I am sick of working hard and making plans only for things to change and not be in my control thus making me feel really down and depressed. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, I'm just so very sick and tired at just how difficult life is for me.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Very close

So, it's slightly less than three days before the two-year anniversary for my car accident. I probably won't do anything in celebration for it, but it is quite a memorable day for me and mine.

I do feel better now than I did this time last year. It's more of a feeling of better than an actual knowledge that I'm better. I had an appointment with my PM&R doctor this morning and he asked if I had gone through some kind of neuro evaluation test. I was supposed to have done one around the beginning of my recovery and then a follow up one, just to track my progress. Either way, I'm feeling like I'm doing/thinking better. I still mix up words, use the wrong words in sentences and it still takes me twice as long to learn or know something. A big change is that I do really well when I can get 10-12 hours of sleep. For the most part, I can only get about 5-8 hours of sleep and it's detrimental to my entire day, since I usually start falling asleep or am not able to concentrate as well.

There is a lot of stuff going on right now. My plans have changed once again. Hopefully things get easier in the next few years.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Well, I just shot myself in the foot

I should know better. I should know by now not to become secure in any situation for any duration of time. It doesn't matter what happens, how good or bad things go or for how long the event lasts: eventually the circumstances will change. I should know this by now.

Before the car accident, I was trying to secure our lives so that we could be comfortable, save money, have the things we needed and wanted while maintaining decent paying jobs to afford our lifestyle (which was pretty cheap to begin with). Even before the accident, I have been trying so hard to get to a place of comfort and security--basically, I have been struggling just about my whole life to get to a place of secure comfort. Every single time I get close to that goal (of secure comfort), something changes, things get harder.

Good job -then- Car accident
Recovery from accident, plus settlement -then- No longer employed, ran through settlement quickly
Employed with brain injury -then- Can't get sufficient rest/sleep, have to quit
Attending college -then- Again, no sleep: failed out
Employed in fast food -then- Employment terminated
Apartment lease paid 1 year in advance -then- Given notice that lease will not be renewed

Apparently, I suck at life.

Things always get harder before they get easier. Where's my easy?
Things could always be worse. How?
Everything that happens, happens for a reason. What's the reason?
Everything one goes through is a lesson. What am I learning?

I've run out of options. I have no more choices. I'm done fighting. I'm done struggling. I am just done. I give up.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Update

Well, unintentionally, I have been missing church for the past three weeks. This is not good, so I'm trying to get back in to the swing of things--church is not something I want to get in to the habit of missing. One of my problems would be how the sermons are preached, but that is something that I need to persevere through and pray about.

Recently, I've changed a lot of things around and as always: things always get worse before they get better. This month, I had to shut off my utilities and now I have to pay the balances. Not only that, but I need to finish cleaning out my apartment and complete moving into our new home. It's always good to have helpful and caring friends, especially since my initial plans were to move far away but now I cannot and won't have the money to fund my way down there for a long while. None of this is anything big, exciting or difficult, which is good. I know that I do have to make a few phone calls and straighten some things out.

I really like that as I reach out more to others, my son and I get more help, love and support. Things are getting better and no matter how many times I get knocked down I will always get right back up, stronger and fighting harder.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Stupid stupid stupid

I have to alter my plans now because of something that I read. I'm not happy about it. Things will take longer and be more difficult.

I'm making lunch and it won't be right because I'm missing a few ingredients. I kind of wish that I had gotten the things that I wanted yesterday. It's too bad I can't make lasagna, that'd be awesome if I could. Right now, though, I'm just making spaghetti sauce.

I want to elaborate so much, especially since I'm feeling a bit confused and need to write out my thoughts so that they're easier to understand.

Confused, confused, confused.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

I'm so annoyed.

Just like always, there is too much going on and it's causing me too much stress. I'm feeling very anxious and depressed, so much so that I'm on the edge. I'm so stressed out, my thoughts are very dangerous and I don't have a way to make the stressors go away so that I'm not feeling and thinking this way.

I don't want to feel like this.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

One day, I asked my friend how does one hear God. He said, "All you have to do is listen." Where, I responded with, "I have been listening and I hear nothing." His retort was, "You have to clear your mind." I was skeptical, but thought to myself, 'Why not give it a shot?' So, I tried and for the life of me, I could not clear my mind. I think too much.

Days after this conversation, I was driving down a specific street, in a specific area, listening to some music at a very low volume (or it was off, that I cannot remember). For the first time in a long time, I was not thinking about anything, my mind was quite literally clear and not focused on any specific thoughts. It was only me in my truck at the time, but quite literally someone said to me suddenly, "Good things come to those who wait." And, I thought to myself, 'Wait. What?' and my head kept repeating it: "Good things come to those who wait."

Next, either that same day or a day later, I read someone's license plate which said: TRSTHIM (Trust Him). I then thought to myself, 'Huh. Go figure.'

Then, a few months later, I receive a letter that references verses in the Bible and specific chapters. Even though what I was given in that letter applies to both myself and the writer: God is, once again, trying to tell me something.

Those events are etched into my brain so vividly. God keeps giving me signs and occasionally speaks to me (not in the crazy-person sense, btw) and more often than not: I'm not noticing it.

Regarding college, I'm still not sure which degree I would like to go for. I think that nursing would be a good fit, but it would take me longer. Instead of two years for the associates degree in nursing, it would take me three to four years. The other degree I am looking into would take somewhere around eighteen months to two years. Both branches of educations will be fun...it's just that I don't know which I would like to do most. I suppose I will try the second one and if I don't like it, it won't be a waste of my time since it's a shorter timeframe than nursing.

I am slightly annoyed by one thing that I learned earlier this morning, but it is generally no big deal since I have fixed that issue.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Boo

Massive changes are happening. They are for the better, but still... I'm so anxious.