Thursday, January 22, 2015

A New Saga:

A lot has happened in a very short period of time. I'm going to paraphrase most of it, although it is all overwhelmingly stressful.
This is where I'm at: Feeling like a warrior.
Someone used my EBT card again, without my permission, while I was in the hospital. They used it to buy my son food--which all in all is great, except that my caseworker said that my food stamps are my food stamps and that it is my ex-husband's responsibility to get his stamps. Not to mention it's illegal to steal food stamps. I did not know anyone used my stamps until they told me...and their excuse was that "I'm not doing anything". Which, is pretty hurtful because I feel like I'm doing a lot. Just because it doesn't look like someone is doing anything does not mean they aren't.
The last few days, I've been talking on the phone with my son, mostly while his grandma was in a nursing home (she's home now, which is great). My son is a ham, so it was great to hear him--I just can't see him while I'm in the hospital and my days are filled with appointments besides that (yes, "excuses, excuses": I'm doing everything I'm doing for my son). The first few days was great, even my ex-husband was being nice and helpful. Then, the last day I talked with my son--which was after all the food was bought for them--my ex-mother-in-law is home, both he and she had bad attitudes with me. Just yesterday, I called to get a feel on why I was being treated like trash. It ended up with yelling and a heated argument, basically: I don't do anything and I'm a whore. That really dragged me down, until I talked it out with a few friends.
In the process of all this, I had bought a sedan with the insurance money after my truck was totaled along with different car insurance. Except, that I was talked into putting all of that in someone else's name instead of my own, "because it was easier and cheaper" (my car insurance, at full coverage, would be expensive...blah blah blah). Thinking back, I didn't need to have my car and insurance in their name. Now, I literally have nothing except a few insignificant belongings that have been stuffed into a tiny car that is but isn't mine.
The biggest thing is that this was on my conscious and the next thing is that I feel like I'm doing a lot-- I'm trying to get housing, I'm trying to get a job and I'm trying to stay on my medications--but no one seems to see it. Only one of my friends is telling me how good of a job I'm doing, everyone else is tearing me down. That phone call made me feel like I'm not doing enough. For goodness' sake, I mapped out everything that I'm going to improve on and do over the course of the next year. Isn't that something? Am I not doing well enough? Aren't I worth a pat on the back?
Yes, yes I am doing enough! I am worth it! I am doing a great job! I will not let other peoples actions and reactions rule me. I'm going to fight. I can do this. I have made big steps thus far and every single day I'm doing better.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

I'm getting real annoyed

I just spent another week in the hospital behavioral unit. I'm sick of life stresses. I'm tired of being homeless. I'm done being jobless. This is enough instability. I'm just done.

The psychiatrist took me off one pill and that plus my excitement over going to respite threw off my sleep. So, they add that pull back in. THEN, they discharge me while discontinuing a different pill without telling me. So, I guess it's fine to just stop psych meds all willy-nilly, at random.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

My Feelz

Ugh. I hate when my feelz get affected. I miss my baby. I miss my BFF. I miss stress-free life.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Today's Update

There are a lot of things happening recently, as always. I didn't read back to see if I posted, but just in case: I was admitted into a behavioral unit for a short while and was given new medications. I'm not sure if there is a new diagnosis, but the original one was anxiety/depression. One thing that I've always noticed about my anxiety/depression is that it gets worse when I'm stressed out. My thoughts start gravitating towards suicidal ideation, which I usually self-admit myself but this time was different. I started the process of getting copies of my medical records sent from the hospital I was admitted to, to my hospital where I usually get my treatments at. I'm not sure if there's anything new in my records from there yet.

I'm homeless and staying at a shelter right now, where my son is staying with my ex-husband. At first, I wanted to stay in my truck but that's not a feasible option. Today, I have a follow up appointment with my case manager to further everything in this process. We are going to work on housing, income and my healthcare.

Next semester starts on my birthday and I will be taking three classes which is, in my opinion, way too many for my brain to handle. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do this, especially being homeless and without income; and, if I had a home it'd be easier but then I would need income and working while going to school is just not a good idea. It'd be nice if I could receive disability while attending college, but I guess it doesn't look good for me to try and improve my situation while on disability? I don't know and I should really contact my lawyers about that.

I've been feeling like everything around me is moving, fast and out of my control, while I feel like I'm not going anywhere--if that makes sense. As my friend put it: that airplane feeling, where you feel like you're moving at a snails pace but you're really zooming much faster.

Thursday, November 6, 2014


I get bored during the day, there isn't much to do except wait for my appointments (which are days/weeks apart), wait for the agency that assigns case managers to call me and visit my son. I feel so lazy just sitting around, doing nothing and then it's disturbingly sad that I get overly excited when a friend of mine calls because they need my help with something.

Earlier this morning I wanted to register for classes in the spring but I lost the sheet of paper that tells me which classes I need. I tried to contact the college and they did help me some, I'm just too lazy right now to make the phone calls necessary to find out the classes. After that bought of laze, I searched for agencies within my field of practice and there are a lot more businesses out there than I initially knew about. Now, all I need to do is stop in, fill out applications and also turn in my resume plus cover letter. I hope that I get hired somewhere soon.

Let's see what the past couple of weeks have been like for no particular order, either, I'm just listing as they come to mind...

  • I've been unwillingly subjected to Facebook drama and I don't like it so I ignore it...which doesn't help that my anxiety rises regardless.
  • The agency that is working with me about case management still hasn't called back with an answer, but I still have at least one more week before I need to worry too deeply.
One thing that I can't (or, rather don't want to) add to the bullet list is that I miss my son and I feel he deserves his own paragraph. I know that he misses me, he misses his norm--being with mommy, sleeping at regular times, being kept active, meeting with friends, going places like the park or zoo, etc. I don't understand why any of this is happening (involving CPS) and I don't understand why I don't get a call back from CPS after I've called twice. Nobody has told me anything about what is going on, just my ex-husband and why wouldn't I take what he says with a grain of salt? I did not put my son in danger, I have absolutely no idea who or why CPS was called. What's really baffling is: as much as they want my son to be safe, you would think they would have open communication with the parent they believe is unsafe so that that person could work towards being safe. The best (sarcasm) part about this is that CPS took my son's security away. No one explained to him what was happening. No one told him why it was all happening. He has no idea why he can't go and stay with mommy. Every time I call, every time I come visit, every single time I have to leave--because I can't stay with my ex-husband and son while this ordeal goes on, my son breaks down. My son has a mental breakdown every single time

CPS wants to keep my son safe? So...they do that by damaging his mental health. Good job CPS. But, I'm the unsafe adult here. Pssh.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Mental Illness (Continued)

I think that there is either something wrong regarding my medications or I'm under so much stress that the medications can only do so much for me. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a representative to hopefully get me started with a case manager so that all of my medical and other important things are organized. Hopefully this gets me somewhere because right now, I don't know what to do. Due to my mental illness, I have basically lost everything. I'm jobless, poor, homeless, practically friendless... If it weren't for social services (and my buying a giant truck), I'd be in the streets and cold and suffering worse. Anyway, I suck as a person. I'm horrible. I mess up people's lives. It really is a surprise I have any friends at all and no surprise that most of the people who deal with me (doctors, case managers/workers, etc.) are paid to deal with me.

  • I don't think that people understand mental illness
  • I don't think that people believe I have one, let alone a brain injury
  • I don't think that people know how to deal with illnesses they cannot see
  • I don't think that people know how to give constructive criticism, especially criticism that does not involve tearing a person down
Anyway. I'm a shitty person (and really, I spent a good 15 minutes trying to find a better adjective than that). I just suck as a person. I'm worthless and not worth knowing.

Just thought y'all should know. I was most profoundly informed of my shitty-ness by several people within my social circle...and they were quite direct at how much of an asshole I really am.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Mental illness

Okay, I knew I had issues before the accident, but I'm thinking they're more pronounced now than before. I've been battling depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation for years; I don't even know when it all started.

I can tell when I'm close to the edge and knowing that helps me go admit myself before a crisis. One or two months ago I was close to that edge and a few people talked me out of going to the hospital. I wish they had not, I wish they had encouraged me to go for help instead. The plan had always been: if I'm not feeling right, my ex-husband would take the boy and I'd go admit myself. One should not tell a suicidal person "if you go admit yourself, what happens to [son]?" Or anything around those terms--I was scared out of going to get help because "what if?????" And, I shouldn't have been scared out of going when I needed help.

We did not follow protocol. I ended up breaking down in public, at an intersection--I should have hung up my phone, since the call I was on was what triggered me. I was pink-slipped (admitted against my will, for the safety of myself and others) to a behavioral unit. Other things ensued which I'll not share here.

I think I have a personality disorder, which I've been thinking for quite some time but it seems more and more possible as time goes on. I know I need to talk things over with my medical care team, so I'm glad that the hospital scheduled follow-ups for me. I think I damaged my brain a bit more, too (my self-harm is bashing my head on things; i.e. the floor, wall, window, etc.)

Finally, I must say:

Mental illness is a real thing.

When someone is asking for help or looks/acts like they need help: GET THEM HELP.

Don't be an armchair psychologist, don't talk them out of getting help, don't help them by hurting them. Actually help them by getting or directing them the help they need.

I'm still recovering; from both the car accident and anxiety-depression. Hopefully things get better.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Birthday Month

I hadn't known that August was full of my friend's (and son's) birthdays, well not only August but the Autumn months in general. My best friend (literally) forever's  birthday is today and my son is turning three in two days. Time is passing too fast and this is one of those times I wish that life had a pause and rewind button.

I am glad that my friends are being super nice and getting my son a lot to celebrate his birthday this week. I'm not sure if we'll have a party, because I don't have money for anything to do with celebrations--I don't even have enough for gas. Maybe we ought to have a get together at the park? Well, if anything it'd be a last-minute invite, so there's that. I wish I could get presents for my friend and son, though. At least there are more people to help them celebrate than just me.

Regarding work: I work for myself and I'm required to provide proof that I do, otherwise the county will discontinue the benefits that I receive. The only thing that I'm concerned about is health insurance...I can't afford that cost and that part is making me nervous. I might have to ask around about private health insurance. The one thing that is troublesome about providing proof is that I don't know what else the county needs; I already turned in my RA forms and the last I remember about this whole ordeal is that was all I needed--but I had only encountered this "problem" before the car accident and my caseworker then was much more helpful than my caseworker now.

Other than that... I love my truck and I honestly do not want to get rid of it. I know that it's a gas-gussler and that makes it rough. I have been thinking of financing for a sedan but after doing all of the math, I won't be able to comfortably do that before another six or so months have passed. If I traded it in or sold it privately, buying a new(er) sedan would be only slightly easier but even then I would still have a hard time affording things. As I added it all up: I don't have a car payment on my truck, affording the gas itself is practically a car payment, car insurance for me right now is insane and besides that my truck still requires routine maintenance. But, regarding a new(er) sedan: I would have a car payment (which would be pretty high because my CS sucks), gas would be slightly cheaper than with my truck but still expensive, my car insurance would increase because it's a "newer" vehicle and the car would require routine maintenance. So, it sadly makes better sense for me to keep my truck, save money, build my credit and power through these financial difficulties for a few months. If I had the sense when I bought my truck (or someone had taken my settlement and helped me use it responsibly), I (probably) would have bought a (brand new) sedan and still had money left over even now. But, as it is: I struggle and fight through things, which is life.

Eventually, things will get easier, I just have to work through this tough time.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014


I'm feeling hostile recently and I don't know why.

Well, I have a nueropsych appointment today, which is a continuation of last week's appointment. I'm being tested/examined for how much improvement I have made since the accident. I didn't think that I had done this test/exam in the beginning of my therapies, but now that I've done a few of the things I remember doing this with my occupational therapist.

Next week, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and hopefully that will result in some kind of improvement. Also, tomorrow, I have an appointment with an opthamologist for new glasses.

The other thing is that I am really hoping that things start to improve because I am so tired of struggling.