Sunday, December 14, 2014

My Feelz

Ugh. I hate when my feelz get affected. I miss my baby. I miss my BFF. I miss stress-free life.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Today's Update

There are a lot of things happening recently, as always. I didn't read back to see if I posted, but just in case: I was admitted into a behavioral unit for a short while and was given new medications. I'm not sure if there is a new diagnosis, but the original one was anxiety/depression. One thing that I've always noticed about my anxiety/depression is that it gets worse when I'm stressed out. My thoughts start gravitating towards suicidal ideation, which I usually self-admit myself but this time was different. I started the process of getting copies of my medical records sent from the hospital I was admitted to, to my hospital where I usually get my treatments at. I'm not sure if there's anything new in my records from there yet.

I'm homeless and staying at a shelter right now, where my son is staying with my ex-husband. At first, I wanted to stay in my truck but that's not a feasible option. Today, I have a follow up appointment with my case manager to further everything in this process. We are going to work on housing, income and my healthcare.

Next semester starts on my birthday and I will be taking three classes which is, in my opinion, way too many for my brain to handle. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do this, especially being homeless and without income; and, if I had a home it'd be easier but then I would need income and working while going to school is just not a good idea. It'd be nice if I could receive disability while attending college, but I guess it doesn't look good for me to try and improve my situation while on disability? I don't know and I should really contact my lawyers about that.

I've been feeling like everything around me is moving, fast and out of my control, while I feel like I'm not going anywhere--if that makes sense. As my friend put it: that airplane feeling, where you feel like you're moving at a snails pace but you're really zooming much faster.

Thursday, November 6, 2014


I get bored during the day, there isn't much to do except wait for my appointments (which are days/weeks apart), wait for the agency that assigns case managers to call me and visit my son. I feel so lazy just sitting around, doing nothing and then it's disturbingly sad that I get overly excited when a friend of mine calls because they need my help with something.

Earlier this morning I wanted to register for classes in the spring but I lost the sheet of paper that tells me which classes I need. I tried to contact the college and they did help me some, I'm just too lazy right now to make the phone calls necessary to find out the classes. After that bought of laze, I searched for agencies within my field of practice and there are a lot more businesses out there than I initially knew about. Now, all I need to do is stop in, fill out applications and also turn in my resume plus cover letter. I hope that I get hired somewhere soon.

Let's see what the past couple of weeks have been like for no particular order, either, I'm just listing as they come to mind...

  • I've been unwillingly subjected to Facebook drama and I don't like it so I ignore it...which doesn't help that my anxiety rises regardless.
  • The agency that is working with me about case management still hasn't called back with an answer, but I still have at least one more week before I need to worry too deeply.
One thing that I can't (or, rather don't want to) add to the bullet list is that I miss my son and I feel he deserves his own paragraph. I know that he misses me, he misses his norm--being with mommy, sleeping at regular times, being kept active, meeting with friends, going places like the park or zoo, etc. I don't understand why any of this is happening (involving CPS) and I don't understand why I don't get a call back from CPS after I've called twice. Nobody has told me anything about what is going on, just my ex-husband and why wouldn't I take what he says with a grain of salt? I did not put my son in danger, I have absolutely no idea who or why CPS was called. What's really baffling is: as much as they want my son to be safe, you would think they would have open communication with the parent they believe is unsafe so that that person could work towards being safe. The best (sarcasm) part about this is that CPS took my son's security away. No one explained to him what was happening. No one told him why it was all happening. He has no idea why he can't go and stay with mommy. Every time I call, every time I come visit, every single time I have to leave--because I can't stay with my ex-husband and son while this ordeal goes on, my son breaks down. My son has a mental breakdown every single time

CPS wants to keep my son safe? So...they do that by damaging his mental health. Good job CPS. But, I'm the unsafe adult here. Pssh.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Mental Illness (Continued)

I think that there is either something wrong regarding my medications or I'm under so much stress that the medications can only do so much for me. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a representative to hopefully get me started with a case manager so that all of my medical and other important things are organized. Hopefully this gets me somewhere because right now, I don't know what to do. Due to my mental illness, I have basically lost everything. I'm jobless, poor, homeless, practically friendless... If it weren't for social services (and my buying a giant truck), I'd be in the streets and cold and suffering worse. Anyway, I suck as a person. I'm horrible. I mess up people's lives. It really is a surprise I have any friends at all and no surprise that most of the people who deal with me (doctors, case managers/workers, etc.) are paid to deal with me.

  • I don't think that people understand mental illness
  • I don't think that people believe I have one, let alone a brain injury
  • I don't think that people know how to deal with illnesses they cannot see
  • I don't think that people know how to give constructive criticism, especially criticism that does not involve tearing a person down
Anyway. I'm a shitty person (and really, I spent a good 15 minutes trying to find a better adjective than that). I just suck as a person. I'm worthless and not worth knowing.

Just thought y'all should know. I was most profoundly informed of my shitty-ness by several people within my social circle...and they were quite direct at how much of an asshole I really am.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Mental illness

Okay, I knew I had issues before the accident, but I'm thinking they're more pronounced now than before. I've been battling depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation for years; I don't even know when it all started.

I can tell when I'm close to the edge and knowing that helps me go admit myself before a crisis. One or two months ago I was close to that edge and a few people talked me out of going to the hospital. I wish they had not, I wish they had encouraged me to go for help instead. The plan had always been: if I'm not feeling right, my ex-husband would take the boy and I'd go admit myself. One should not tell a suicidal person "if you go admit yourself, what happens to [son]?" Or anything around those terms--I was scared out of going to get help because "what if?????" And, I shouldn't have been scared out of going when I needed help.

We did not follow protocol. I ended up breaking down in public, at an intersection--I should have hung up my phone, since the call I was on was what triggered me. I was pink-slipped (admitted against my will, for the safety of myself and others) to a behavioral unit. Other things ensued which I'll not share here.

I think I have a personality disorder, which I've been thinking for quite some time but it seems more and more possible as time goes on. I know I need to talk things over with my medical care team, so I'm glad that the hospital scheduled follow-ups for me. I think I damaged my brain a bit more, too (my self-harm is bashing my head on things; i.e. the floor, wall, window, etc.)

Finally, I must say:

Mental illness is a real thing.

When someone is asking for help or looks/acts like they need help: GET THEM HELP.

Don't be an armchair psychologist, don't talk them out of getting help, don't help them by hurting them. Actually help them by getting or directing them the help they need.

I'm still recovering; from both the car accident and anxiety-depression. Hopefully things get better.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Birthday Month

I hadn't known that August was full of my friend's (and son's) birthdays, well not only August but the Autumn months in general. My best friend (literally) forever's  birthday is today and my son is turning three in two days. Time is passing too fast and this is one of those times I wish that life had a pause and rewind button.

I am glad that my friends are being super nice and getting my son a lot to celebrate his birthday this week. I'm not sure if we'll have a party, because I don't have money for anything to do with celebrations--I don't even have enough for gas. Maybe we ought to have a get together at the park? Well, if anything it'd be a last-minute invite, so there's that. I wish I could get presents for my friend and son, though. At least there are more people to help them celebrate than just me.

Regarding work: I work for myself and I'm required to provide proof that I do, otherwise the county will discontinue the benefits that I receive. The only thing that I'm concerned about is health insurance...I can't afford that cost and that part is making me nervous. I might have to ask around about private health insurance. The one thing that is troublesome about providing proof is that I don't know what else the county needs; I already turned in my RA forms and the last I remember about this whole ordeal is that was all I needed--but I had only encountered this "problem" before the car accident and my caseworker then was much more helpful than my caseworker now.

Other than that... I love my truck and I honestly do not want to get rid of it. I know that it's a gas-gussler and that makes it rough. I have been thinking of financing for a sedan but after doing all of the math, I won't be able to comfortably do that before another six or so months have passed. If I traded it in or sold it privately, buying a new(er) sedan would be only slightly easier but even then I would still have a hard time affording things. As I added it all up: I don't have a car payment on my truck, affording the gas itself is practically a car payment, car insurance for me right now is insane and besides that my truck still requires routine maintenance. But, regarding a new(er) sedan: I would have a car payment (which would be pretty high because my CS sucks), gas would be slightly cheaper than with my truck but still expensive, my car insurance would increase because it's a "newer" vehicle and the car would require routine maintenance. So, it sadly makes better sense for me to keep my truck, save money, build my credit and power through these financial difficulties for a few months. If I had the sense when I bought my truck (or someone had taken my settlement and helped me use it responsibly), I (probably) would have bought a (brand new) sedan and still had money left over even now. But, as it is: I struggle and fight through things, which is life.

Eventually, things will get easier, I just have to work through this tough time.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014


I'm feeling hostile recently and I don't know why.

Well, I have a nueropsych appointment today, which is a continuation of last week's appointment. I'm being tested/examined for how much improvement I have made since the accident. I didn't think that I had done this test/exam in the beginning of my therapies, but now that I've done a few of the things I remember doing this with my occupational therapist.

Next week, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and hopefully that will result in some kind of improvement. Also, tomorrow, I have an appointment with an opthamologist for new glasses.

The other thing is that I am really hoping that things start to improve because I am so tired of struggling.

Monday, July 7, 2014


Oh goodness, I can't stand the amount of anxiety that I'm feeling lately, it's so bad that I'm having constant panic attacks. The anxiety is so bad, I'm reaching the point where I'm not going to care about anything and resign from all forms of triggers. Which, generally, is sad and if I think about it, I cry, but shoot, I just don't want to feel  so darn stressed. What stinks is that I keep telling my psychiatrist how awful I'm feeling and all he tells me is to use coping skills, which is generally fine if they were working, I can only cope so much when I'm being attacked by stressors nonstop, everyday. Seriously, I'm not a drug addict, I just don't want to feel anything anymore, if I didn't have self control, I'd being hitting people up for illegal narcotics. I don't think this psychiatrist understands that pushing coping this hard with someone, when all they're asking for is help, isn't very helpful. Well, I forgot my meds this morning, so I'm feeling the anxiety a bit stronger than usual. I'll definitely be taking them as soon as I get them.

If I haven't posted about it yet, I'm now divorced, which makes me feel a bit better. What makes me laugh, though, is that apparently all of my ex-husbands decisions [while we were married] were my fault. Ha, no. Ridiculous. If a person steals from our son or puts our son at risk, or hinders him in any way: that person no longer exists. The best part though, is that he and I don't care about the people that do this, so their slurs of his/our character don't matter.

Judging a person says more about you than about the person you're judging.

Monday, June 16, 2014

TBIs and relationships

It doesn't matter the depth of the relationship; usually it's hard for the other person in the relationship to relate to the TBI victim. Most TBI sufferers end up being "different" post-injury. Their behaviors, attitudes, expressions, understanding, personality, etc. one or more or all together change and make the person you knew, before their TBI, act and behave like a completely different person. That's hard on a person; no one prepares for, or expects, their loved one or friend or acquaintance to not behave as they did before they were injured. What's more is that most TBI victims don't even know they have changed, they don't even remember how they used to be (because most people don't sit and evaluate how they interact with others while taking notes).

Now and even before my accident, I didn't have many friends and even fewer were intimately close to me. Having my close friends talk with me, help me understand social interactions again and tell me all that is different, good and bad, helps me a lot. I don't know who I was or how I acted, but I know the behaviors I'm incorporating that I do not like. I try to be consistent in paying attention to how I'm behaving and what and how I say things now. True friends stay with you, no matter how hard things become and I am sincerely thankful for all of my friends.

This past twelve-month has been extremely difficult for me, there were more downs than ups and it was a terrible rollercoaster-esque experience. After I received my settlement, I was still not in the right state of mind regarding my brain injury and recovery. I know now, but did not know then, that I foolishly wasted money. Almost all of the things I bought, with the expectation of being able to keep, I had to sell or donate--because things got that bad, to where I couldn't keep much and really needed the money.

My son is happy and healthy. He's a little champ, powering through all these changes and things being unstable. I'm proud that he is now potty trained, drinking out of "big boy" cups (no more sippy cups!) and he's talking a lot more!

My relationship with my husband has crumbled. A lot of bad things happened in quick succession, in a short amount of time, that stressed me our considerably but also sent him into a depression. In his depression, he was getting really angry and hateful--because our financial situation was really bad and getting worse, not to mention that he probably felt like a failure. It was a long period of time where things were just getting worse and stress levels were rising, which meant it was even harder for him to adapt to my new self. I am now divorced, however if was a uncontested/friendly divorce.

After our divorce was completed and even during the court day, he had been considerably cordial. My now ex-husband is doing his best and being friendly, mostly so that our son doesn't see us fight (which is good, I was thinking along  those lines, as well). I'm hoping thing get better as time goes on. I'm tired of being stressed out.

I'm still in college, hoping not to work while going to school (because last time I failed) and caring for my son who is growing up too fast for my comfort.