Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Mental Illness (Continued)

I think that there is either something wrong regarding my medications or I'm under so much stress that the medications can only do so much for me. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a representative to hopefully get me started with a case manager so that all of my medical and other important things are organized. Hopefully this gets me somewhere because right now, I don't know what to do. Due to my mental illness, I have basically lost everything. I'm jobless, poor, homeless, practically friendless... If it weren't for social services (and my buying a giant truck), I'd be in the streets and cold and suffering worse. Anyway, I suck as a person. I'm horrible. I mess up people's lives. It really is a surprise I have any friends at all and no surprise that most of the people who deal with me (doctors, case managers/workers, etc.) are paid to deal with me.


  • I don't think that people understand mental illness
  • I don't think that people believe I have one, let alone a brain injury
  • I don't think that people know how to deal with illnesses they cannot see
  • I don't think that people know how to give constructive criticism, especially criticism that does not involve tearing a person down
Anyway. I'm a shitty person (and really, I spent a good 15 minutes trying to find a better adjective than that). I just suck as a person. I'm worthless and not worth knowing.

Just thought y'all should know. I was most profoundly informed of my shitty-ness by several people within my social circle...and they were quite direct at how much of an asshole I really am.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Mental illness

Okay, I knew I had issues before the accident, but I'm thinking they're more pronounced now than before. I've been battling depression, anxiety and suicidal ideation for years; I don't even know when it all started.

I can tell when I'm close to the edge and knowing that helps me go admit myself before a crisis. One or two months ago I was close to that edge and a few people talked me out of going to the hospital. I wish they had not, I wish they had encouraged me to go for help instead. The plan had always been: if I'm not feeling right, my ex-husband would take the boy and I'd go admit myself. One should not tell a suicidal person "if you go admit yourself, what happens to [son]?" Or anything around those terms--I was scared out of going to get help because "what if?????" And, I shouldn't have been scared out of going when I needed help.

Because:
We did not follow protocol. I ended up breaking down in public, at an intersection--I should have hung up my phone, since the call I was on was what triggered me. I was pink-slipped (admitted against my will, for the safety of myself and others) to a behavioral unit. Other things ensued which I'll not share here.

I think I have a personality disorder, which I've been thinking for quite some time but it seems more and more possible as time goes on. I know I need to talk things over with my medical care team, so I'm glad that the hospital scheduled follow-ups for me. I think I damaged my brain a bit more, too (my self-harm is bashing my head on things; i.e. the floor, wall, window, etc.)

Finally, I must say:

Mental illness is a real thing.

When someone is asking for help or looks/acts like they need help: GET THEM HELP.

Don't be an armchair psychologist, don't talk them out of getting help, don't help them by hurting them. Actually help them by getting or directing them the help they need.

I'm still recovering; from both the car accident and anxiety-depression. Hopefully things get better.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Birthday Month

I hadn't known that August was full of my friend's (and son's) birthdays, well not only August but the Autumn months in general. My best friend (literally) forever's  birthday is today and my son is turning three in two days. Time is passing too fast and this is one of those times I wish that life had a pause and rewind button.

I am glad that my friends are being super nice and getting my son a lot to celebrate his birthday this week. I'm not sure if we'll have a party, because I don't have money for anything to do with celebrations--I don't even have enough for gas. Maybe we ought to have a get together at the park? Well, if anything it'd be a last-minute invite, so there's that. I wish I could get presents for my friend and son, though. At least there are more people to help them celebrate than just me.

Regarding work: I work for myself and I'm required to provide proof that I do, otherwise the county will discontinue the benefits that I receive. The only thing that I'm concerned about is health insurance...I can't afford that cost and that part is making me nervous. I might have to ask around about private health insurance. The one thing that is troublesome about providing proof is that I don't know what else the county needs; I already turned in my RA forms and the last I remember about this whole ordeal is that was all I needed--but I had only encountered this "problem" before the car accident and my caseworker then was much more helpful than my caseworker now.

Other than that... I love my truck and I honestly do not want to get rid of it. I know that it's a gas-gussler and that makes it rough. I have been thinking of financing for a sedan but after doing all of the math, I won't be able to comfortably do that before another six or so months have passed. If I traded it in or sold it privately, buying a new(er) sedan would be only slightly easier but even then I would still have a hard time affording things. As I added it all up: I don't have a car payment on my truck, affording the gas itself is practically a car payment, car insurance for me right now is insane and besides that my truck still requires routine maintenance. But, regarding a new(er) sedan: I would have a car payment (which would be pretty high because my CS sucks), gas would be slightly cheaper than with my truck but still expensive, my car insurance would increase because it's a "newer" vehicle and the car would require routine maintenance. So, it sadly makes better sense for me to keep my truck, save money, build my credit and power through these financial difficulties for a few months. If I had the sense when I bought my truck (or someone had taken my settlement and helped me use it responsibly), I (probably) would have bought a (brand new) sedan and still had money left over even now. But, as it is: I struggle and fight through things, which is life.

Eventually, things will get easier, I just have to work through this tough time.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Hostile

I'm feeling hostile recently and I don't know why.

Well, I have a nueropsych appointment today, which is a continuation of last week's appointment. I'm being tested/examined for how much improvement I have made since the accident. I didn't think that I had done this test/exam in the beginning of my therapies, but now that I've done a few of the things I remember doing this with my occupational therapist.

Next week, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and hopefully that will result in some kind of improvement. Also, tomorrow, I have an appointment with an opthamologist for new glasses.

The other thing is that I am really hoping that things start to improve because I am so tired of struggling.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Anxiety

Oh goodness, I can't stand the amount of anxiety that I'm feeling lately, it's so bad that I'm having constant panic attacks. The anxiety is so bad, I'm reaching the point where I'm not going to care about anything and resign from all forms of triggers. Which, generally, is sad and if I think about it, I cry, but shoot, I just don't want to feel  so darn stressed. What stinks is that I keep telling my psychiatrist how awful I'm feeling and all he tells me is to use coping skills, which is generally fine if they were working, I can only cope so much when I'm being attacked by stressors nonstop, everyday. Seriously, I'm not a drug addict, I just don't want to feel anything anymore, if I didn't have self control, I'd being hitting people up for illegal narcotics. I don't think this psychiatrist understands that pushing coping this hard with someone, when all they're asking for is help, isn't very helpful. Well, I forgot my meds this morning, so I'm feeling the anxiety a bit stronger than usual. I'll definitely be taking them as soon as I get them.

Divorce
If I haven't posted about it yet, I'm now divorced, which makes me feel a bit better. What makes me laugh, though, is that apparently all of my ex-husbands decisions [while we were married] were my fault. Ha, no. Ridiculous. If a person steals from our son or puts our son at risk, or hinders him in any way: that person no longer exists. The best part though, is that he and I don't care about the people that do this, so their slurs of his/our character don't matter.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
Judging a person says more about you than about the person you're judging.

Monday, June 16, 2014

TBIs and relationships

It doesn't matter the depth of the relationship; usually it's hard for the other person in the relationship to relate to the TBI victim. Most TBI sufferers end up being "different" post-injury. Their behaviors, attitudes, expressions, understanding, personality, etc. one or more or all together change and make the person you knew, before their TBI, act and behave like a completely different person. That's hard on a person; no one prepares for, or expects, their loved one or friend or acquaintance to not behave as they did before they were injured. What's more is that most TBI victims don't even know they have changed, they don't even remember how they used to be (because most people don't sit and evaluate how they interact with others while taking notes).

Now and even before my accident, I didn't have many friends and even fewer were intimately close to me. Having my close friends talk with me, help me understand social interactions again and tell me all that is different, good and bad, helps me a lot. I don't know who I was or how I acted, but I know the behaviors I'm incorporating that I do not like. I try to be consistent in paying attention to how I'm behaving and what and how I say things now. True friends stay with you, no matter how hard things become and I am sincerely thankful for all of my friends.

This past twelve-month has been extremely difficult for me, there were more downs than ups and it was a terrible rollercoaster-esque experience. After I received my settlement, I was still not in the right state of mind regarding my brain injury and recovery. I know now, but did not know then, that I foolishly wasted money. Almost all of the things I bought, with the expectation of being able to keep, I had to sell or donate--because things got that bad, to where I couldn't keep much and really needed the money.

My son is happy and healthy. He's a little champ, powering through all these changes and things being unstable. I'm proud that he is now potty trained, drinking out of "big boy" cups (no more sippy cups!) and he's talking a lot more!

My relationship with my husband has crumbled. A lot of bad things happened in quick succession, in a short amount of time, that stressed me our considerably but also sent him into a depression. In his depression, he was getting really angry and hateful--because our financial situation was really bad and getting worse, not to mention that he probably felt like a failure. It was a long period of time where things were just getting worse and stress levels were rising, which meant it was even harder for him to adapt to my new self. I am now divorced, however if was a uncontested/friendly divorce.

After our divorce was completed and even during the court day, he had been considerably cordial. My now ex-husband is doing his best and being friendly, mostly so that our son doesn't see us fight (which is good, I was thinking along  those lines, as well). I'm hoping thing get better as time goes on. I'm tired of being stressed out.

I'm still in college, hoping not to work while going to school (because last time I failed) and caring for my son who is growing up too fast for my comfort.

Monday, June 2, 2014

College

So, I need to switch up my class schedule because I'll probably end up failing with all of the time I need to spend out of class due to appointments. Hopefully the process goes smooth, I'm not in the mood to deal with stress right now.

Friday, May 2, 2014

I am bubbling over with excitement!

I have THREE job positions lined up! Three! Go me! I am actually employed by two out of the three and I will be employed through the third one as soon as I get a physical and TB test done. Holy smokes, this is amazing.

I thought that it was impossible for me to get hired. The only thing that was making it difficult for me to get hired was my TBI. Which, it is against the law to not hire someone due to a disability but that doesn't stop an employer because they don't have to disclose why they won't hire you and if you ask they would give a different reasoning. I thought that maybe it was my resume that was stopping my employment, I even signed up for a workshop to help me fix up my resume, cover letter and interviewing skills. Apparently, that was not the problem!

Anyway, I could be working for three different companies! I know that I cannot handle working for all three at the same time, I probably can't even do two of them--especially since I will be starting summer semester. This coming summer is going to be very difficult: I'll be working, going to college and taking care of my son. Hopefully it won't be as hard as fall semester was. Now that I have some things straightened out, I will have more freedom in my options.

Hooray! I'm so excited about this!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Looking forward

Hopefully, I will be able to get back into college this summer, if not, then perhaps by this autumn. I'm a bit excited but I'm tempering my feelings because as always things could change.

It's rainy and cold outside today, though it is springtime. On the first day of spring, it had snowed...either that day or sometime that week, I don't remember. I like the warm weather and the seasons changing. I suppose that the only season I don't really like is winter, but that's mainly because it gets bitter cold and that's pretty miserable.... Which, I just remembered that I meant to ask if there was a rake available since there are still fall leaves out on the ground and the yard would look better if it got cleaned up. But, now that it's raining, I'll have to wait until the ground dries out...raking soaking wet leaves is not a good idea, nor is it fun.

Also, I've been pretty exhausted these past three days. That is mostly because I'm running myself harder than I should, so I do need to take a break and relax. I spent the majority of the morning sleeping/relaxing. I hope that as time passes, I will be able to build up my stamina and energy so that I can work myself hard and not suffer exhaustion from it. Who knows, though.

Anywho, readers, y'all have a good day...I'm going to finish some laundry.